Almost exactly a year ago, I was writing about a truly hideous Gucci Xbox Series X and a NZ$3,000 Mario watch. Now, one of the biggest telecoms companies in the world has fired the starting gun on the race for the worst branded product of 2022 with smart luggage which doubles up as portable eyesore.

A collaboration between luggage makers Samsara and mobile carrier T-Mobile, I can’t help thinking the main purpose was to make a slightly laboured pun. The Un-Carrier On Luggage comes with a number of features to make your airport stay a little bit easier, including wireless and USB-C charging for your accessories, built-in tracking for when your luggage is lost or stolen, and a design that doubles up as a desk. 

Well, kind of: it has a flat surface like nearly every other luggage ever made. In fact, quite a few of the selling points feel a bit like a stretch, as this screengrab from the promotional video above demonstrates:

…unless you think that “just look at it”, “matches your outfit and “carries things” are previously unheard of specs in the world of travel cases.

Happily, it isn’t coming to New Zealand. In the name of journalism, I tried pre-ordering the luggage, and New Zealand isn’t on the list of countries available. Australia is, however, and if you get it shipped to an address on the Sapphire coast, I wouldn’t be surprised if you could just make out its hideous pink glow on a clear night.

And yes, it really is only available in that bold magenta colour scheme, because that’s T-Mobile’s brand colours. Despite the fact that the luggage costs a massive NZ$558, you will essentially become a walking billboard for the network whether you like it or not.

It’s rather a lot to pay for a suitcase with a few fancy features. Better to buy regular luggage, a good quality power bank and a Tile or AirPod for the same functionality instead. You’ll even be able to pick out your own colour, too.